I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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