he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
