I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
