i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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