Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
