My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
