forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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