Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
