drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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