Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
