I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
