3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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