you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
