this beer tastes like vomit already
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
