Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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