Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
