I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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