The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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