I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
