woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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