I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
