The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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