I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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