get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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