let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
