She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
