Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
