I feel like abortions should bother me more
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
