i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
