So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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