Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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