I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
