I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
