I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
