This gyro tastes like lonliness
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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