Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
