Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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