I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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