Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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