Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Randomize
