I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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