woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
