Small penises have feelings too.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
there is puke in my bra ... again
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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