can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
