i will never coherently bang her
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
