I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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