4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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