Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
