so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
