Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
