i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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