Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
