i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
