At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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