Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
