remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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