is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
