I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
