dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
