he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
